To cry or not to cry

"Jesus wept"  The shortest verse in the bible that holds, to me, the biggest message.  My family has had a rough week.  A week that tried my faith, and trust.  A week where I was put through the test.  A week where I had to repeat from Mark 9:23 "Everything is possible for him who believes"


I noticed my bible studies were leading me to scriptures about "not worrying" and "no fear."  I was also lead to read about Daniel in the lions den and Shadrach, Meshach and Abendnego.  These men believed in God so much that they refused to disobey Him no matter what the cost.  When you are faced with a den full of hungry lions, you pretty much know how that is going to end.  Same as if you were thrown in a fiery furnace.  These men were basically told they couldn't worship or pray to their God anymore.  They must pray and worship the king.  Two different stories, same Divine outcome. God shut the mouths of the lions, and Shadrach, Meshach and Abendnego plus One were seen walking in the furnace.  In both stories, the outcome was the same.  Everyone was ordered to worship and pray to their God.  I wondered had that been me, would I be strong enough in my faith to say "what ever the outcome, I am going to praise and worship my God"

We about lost my dad this week. I live quite a distance from my parents and I have three kids one of which was sick, and so for me to drop what I was doing and head up there was out of the question.  So I stood by, helplessly and "just prayed"  My prayer was "don't take him yet, please don't take him yet" 

I didn't know how I was going to make it through this.  I was then drawn back to my "don't worry, don't fear" bible readings.  I realized that God gives me enough strength to make it though today. Matthew 6:34 says "therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own"  I realized God was saying, "trust me to get you through today, keep your mind and eyes on me and I will get you through today"  At first it seemed minute by minute then I slowly realized my prayer had to change.  I had to pray with faith.  I had to pray as if I had already received it. (Matthew 21:22)

So my prayer changed from "don't take him yet" to, "I give this to You, I trust You, and no matter what the outcome is I am going to Praise YOU and worship my God. I come before you expecting You to amaze me"  Then I began to cry.  Then I began to beg for forgiveness, I mean God must see my tears as a sign of weakness, and lack of faith.  I just gave this to Him and now I am crying as if I don't believe He can turn this thing around.  A very small voice said, "Take your time....even Jesus wept"

God amazed us all the next day when dad was taken off all machines and sent out of ICU and soon he will come home. God gave him another chance, and for that we are truly grateful. 

"Jesus wept"  The Son of God cried.  He cried at the grave of Lazarus not because He was weak. Not because he didn't have hope.  Not because he didn't believe, but because "...he loved him"

Looking beyond the outward appearance

I would like to introduce you to my mystery babies. The babies that look healthy on the outside but something isn't quite right on the inside. The babies that have some doctors either scratching their heads or sending us on our way saying, "they are fine"  The babies that have pulled us straight into the war of judgment as some believe that we are making a mountain out of a mole hill.  The babies that smile and play and deal with their symptoms like champs.  The babies who God has used to teach me so much about myself.  The babies God gave to us and said "I chose you."

  Since I blogged about this last we have made some changes.  Once we got both girls on the meds and noticed a huge change in their behavior and health, and watching all symptoms subside, we noticed Jaden was also having symptoms.  He would wake up in the morning and just lay there.  When we took his blood sugar, out of curiosity, we found that he was in the 50-60 range.  The morning he passed out on me I decided to start to be his voice.

Since then, we were sent to Cincinnati Children's Hospital with  all three kids.  All three were seen and Jaden was tested for Primary Carnitine Deficiency.  When the test came back negative the doctor decided he only wanted to follow up with the girls and not so much Jaden.  My heart broke, as I felt he was the one they really needed to see, but I went along with it.

 Psalm 27:14 says to "wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."  So much prayer had gone into this I had to believe that the Lord was going to come through, even if I didn't really see HIM in this decision , I had to believe He was there.

We went off for that follow up appointment this week and upon talking to the doctor, Jaden came up in the conversation.  When I told him that he has had three low blood sugar spells since we last saw him in August, the doctor asked if it would be okay if he saw Jaden that day too.  I said, "that would be wonderful"  So back out to registration we went to get Jaden registered.  I talked with the doctor while my husband was taking care of all of that.  He suggested that he felt that primary carnitne deficiency was not the diagnosis here for any of them,  but he feels that it is some sort of Metabolic Disorder. 

All three kids were tested for several metabolic disorders based on how their body is breaking down fat.  Jaden was tested the most as he is the only one without meds in him.  The doctor also decided to go ahead (without the stressful awful test of running him to the hospital when he gets sick) and put Jaden on the carnitine as an experiment and see if we notice a change in him as we  did the girls. 

We don't know what is going on with them, and we know that there is a possibility that we may never know.  The doctor suggested that in the future he may want to take them all off the meds and see what happens.  But as of now he is not going to do that.  He feels it would do them more harm than good and he said he felt their bodies were not strong enough for such an experiment with them being so young.

We should hear back from the doctor in about a week as to what the tests show and what to do next. 

Our kids are a mystery because for the most part they are healthy.  They are growing, and developing.  But every once in a while, they are not okay, they are not normal and in that moment God reminds me that our fight is not over, that even though they appear okay on the outside, they are not okay on the inside, and our fight continues.....